dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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