oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
