Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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