I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
