my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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