How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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