I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
