My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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