just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
