She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
