My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
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I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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