Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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