so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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