I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
