i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
