SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
