I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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