She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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