i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
At least life still wants to fuck me.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
