My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize