Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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