he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
