I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Randomize
