glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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