haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
My vagina is very pro this idea
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
