I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
