Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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