So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
