Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
