Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
