Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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