sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
whose parrot is this?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
