i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
