I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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