i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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