I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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