U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
