I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
