so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just made my gag reflex go away.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
