im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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