I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
