I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
