if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
