I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
