hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
