Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
