i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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