you would pick up someone in the library
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
