I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize