I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
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