if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
