New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
