i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
