Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Randomize
