You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
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I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
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First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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